Part of Perel’s charm is the nimbleness with which she assigns responsibility without condemning anyone outright. I can’t be the only conveniently elastic reader who’s been unfaithful but always identifies with the partner who hasn’t, and Perel’s book draws out the dynamic behind this intellectually incoherent impulse. Through her formidable elegance, Perel manages to infuse some dignity into the pettiness of most betrayals: the unconvincing lies both parties tell and permit the self-delusions (again, on each side) the flagrant, gratuitous gestures of disrespect (fucking a third party in the marital bed, say, or letting a girlfriend wear a piece of the wife’s clothing). The State of Affairs is packed with such sage insights into the disappointing human heart.
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